[SOL]

Tom and Crow are playing videogames what looks like reindeer lawn ornaments pass by the camera. They end in a cardboard "sleight." Mike, dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, steps out. A big bag with "TOYS" stenciled on the side is being carried on his back.

MIKE: Hohoho! Merry Christmas!

CROW: Later, we're Bejeweling.

MIKE: I didn't... (remembers Santa accent) I didn't know Bejeweled was out on consoles.

TOM: Are you kidding? It's the only reason to buy a PS3.

MIKE: Well, I've brought presents for all the good little girls and boys!

CROW: We're robots.

TOM: Yeah, later.

MIKE: Guys, where's your holiday spirit?

CROW: I just can't celebrate the Yuletide while there's such poverty and injustice in the world.

TOM: I'm Jewish.

MIKE: The other guy built you Jewish?

TOM: No, he built me Zoroastrian. I converted.

MIKE: So you don't want these gifts I made for you?

CROW: No, not really.

MIKE: Alright...

Weirded out, he takes off his beard and presses a flashing button.

[Commercials]

[SOL]

The Bots are enthusiastically ripping into the tinsel and gift wrap.

GYPSY: "Richard Basehart Sings the Hits of the 60s"? How did you know?

CROW: A Supersoaker!

TOM: A Nerf gun!

They shoot each other.

Mike returns, now in his regular jumpsuit.

MIKE: Well, it seems like you guys have finally embraced the spirit of Christmas!

CROW: Nah, we're celebrating Saturnalia.

TOM: Totally different, Mike.

GYPSY: Do you have a virgin we can sacrifice?

Mike turns to camera.

MIKE: Thoughts, questions, and/or comments... sirs?

[Deep 13]

TV's Frank is dressed in a Christmas tree outfit, which Dr. F is hanging decorations on.

DR. F: So you've decided to reject the crass commercialization of Christmas. Good on you, boobies. Our invention this week is the Christmas suit! This little baby will let us rule the world by...

{SOL]

MIKE: Sorry, we didn't have time for an invention this week. I was shopping for presents and the bots were playing Bejeweled.

GYPSY: How did you shop for presents, anyway?

MIKE: Shopping Mall, level 16.

[Deep 13]

Dr. F, near tears, throws down some popcorn wrap.

DR. F: You'll pay for ruining my holiday cheer, Mike! Just for this, I'm not sending you I Know What You Did Last Summer... I'm sending you the sequel, I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer! It takes place a year after the original, so even the title is wrong! Here's to your chestnuts roasting on an open flame!

FRANK: We can still conquer the world...

DR. F: The moment's ruined. Send them the movie, Frank.

[SOL]

A gift-wrapped present has appeared on the command deck. Mike pulls on the wrapping, causing it to fall upon and reveal a flashing...

ALL: Ahhh! We've got movie sign!

Mike picks up a pair of briefs.

MIKE: And underwear! Who gets someone underwear for Christmas?

CROW: I don't even wear any!

( [5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] )

I didn't know anyone actually came here. I don't really use this account for much besides posting random Internet things I thought were funny. I suppose I should put up some actual content. Since I don't have any of that, there's a MiSTing my brother wrote. It's of a piece-of-crap Starfire PWP where poor Kory has to make it with two very sad Mary-Sues. Hasn't she been through enough? I cleaned it up a little to get up to my exacting standards, but I'm also really lazy. So keep that in mind.





[SOL]

Mike is nowhere to be seen. Tom is dressed as Batman, a cowl over his dome and a cape hanging off his back, while Crow is dressed as Robin, with that costume not so much being worn by him as having been stapled to the front of his body.

TOM: Greetings folks! We here at the old Satellite of Love were just playing cosplay. You’ll have to excuse Mike, his costume isn’t ready yet.

CROW: Don’t break character, Servo!

TOM: Oh, sorry. Ahem. (Kevin Conroy) “Joker, your madness ends tonight!”

CROW: “Holy seliney, Batman, that criminal clown has gone too far this time!”

TOM: Break! Break, break! Crow, WHAT are you doing?

CROW: Role-playing Robin!

TOM: Ahem! That was not Robin. THAT was Burt Ward.

CROW: I was Pre-Crisis Robin.

TOM: Well I’m Post-Crisis Batman, so you’re gonna have to be Post-Crisis too.

CROW: I prefer Silver Age!

TOM: What are you, afraid of a little change?

CROW: Maybe I just like things the way I like them! Not everything has to be dark and gritty, you know!

TOM: And not everything has to be sunshine and lollipops either! DARK Knight, remember?

CROW: You wanna go launder Frank Miller’s socks while you’re at it?

TOM: Don’t you dare take the name of Frank Miller in vein!

Suddenly, Mike walks in, dressed as Captain America.

MIKE: “Hold the line, troops, the Sentinel of Liberty has joined your struggle!”

TOM: Mike, what the hell are you doing?

CROW: Yeah, Mike!?

MIKE: I’m… playing Captain America.

CROW: Helloooo? That’s Marvel continuity!

TOM: Besides, Captain America is dead.

MIKE: Cap… died?

The commercial sign flashes. Mike takes off his mask, the Styrofoam peanut head-wings wobbling.

MIKE: (near tears) We’ll, uh… we’ll be right back, folks.

TOM: Stay strong, Mike, stay strong.

[Commercials]

[Fade in]

Crow and Tom are again squaring off like old-fashioned boxers.

TOM: This isn’t a mudhole. This is an operating table. And I’m a surgeon.

CROW: Holy malpractice, Batman, where’s your license?

MIKE: Break it up, you two, the Mads are calling. What’ll it be, sirs?

[Deep 13]

Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank are examining a stack of comic books.

FORRESTER: No, that comic clearly goes in the No Man’s Land box!

FRANK: But it has Superman on the cover!

Dr. Forrester notices Mike and the Bots.

FORRESTER: Oh, hello boobies. Frank and I are having a debate over comic’s filing systems, so let’s just skip the invention exchange.

[SOL]

An old-fashioned gray Iron Man suit has suddenly appeared behind our guys.

MIKE: But this suit of “armor” could conceivably function as a life support system while also acting as a…

[Deep 13]

FORRESTER: Borrrring! Today, I thought we’d do something a little different and delve into the world of LJ-fanfiction.

[SOL]

MIKE: LJ-fanfiction? What’s that?

TOM: Is there a Robin in it?

MIKE: What?

TOM: Say yes.

MIKE: Yes.

TOM: Is he or she having sex? Say yes again.

MIKE: Yes again.

TOM: Then it’s LJ-fanfiction.

[Deep 13]

FORRESTER: I’m glad your spirits are so up. You’ll need them to face today’s experiment. It’s a little ditty called “*/Nestled in the Spiral Arm,” /part of the *“A Certain Star” series.

[SOL]

MIKE: Well, at least we don’t have to worry about it being pretentious.

[Deep 13]

FORRESTER: As always, I eagerly await your pain and suffering. Into the theater with you!

[SOL]

The usual chaos.

ALL: Ahhh! We've got fanfic sign!

( Read more... )

Last time, I brought you hentai that made you wonder which was worse: The dialogue or the art? Some of you voted DO NOT WANT. Others said MORE PLZ. Unfortunately for all of us, I have decided to ignore the DNW crowd.

( NSFW! PORN! SODOMIZED DATE RAPIST UNDER THE CUT! I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH CLEARER I CAN MAKE THIS! )

Across TIME AND SPACE, comes this message... for YOU!!

When using Internet Explorer 3 for Windows (google around for a version that works on Windows XP), enter this in the address bar (do not copy-paste, you must input it with the keyboard):

for-you://gratitude-and-remembrance

Wait ~ 40 seconds. You will fell strange. Don't fight the feeling, or you will be jerked out of it, and you have only one chance to do it.
A weblog will appear. It will contain events that will happen for the seven next years of your life.
Add /admin/ to the address bar. Try to guess the password your future self would have chosen. There is always a way - discovering it is never out of your reach even if it's a meaningless string of letters.
Once you have access to the admin, you can delete any post you want, and that event will never happen to you.

However, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES you are to edit a post. JUST DON'T.

You have only one hour to do it: after that the connection will be lost.

OH SHI-- PIME TARADOX!!!

http://world.std.com/~mhuben/onelesson.html

"Paternalism is the worst thing that can be inflicted upon people, as everyone knows that fathers are the most hated and reviled figures in the world."

"Government is like fire, a dangerous servant and a fearsome master. Therefore, we should avoid it entirely, as we do all forms of combustion."

"Libertarianism "rules" Internet political debate the same way US Communism "ruled" pamphleteering."

"Spiritually baptize the deceased as libertarians because they cannot protest the anachronism: Locke, Smith, Paine, Jefferson, Spooner, etc."

LOL!

"LET'S TURN INTO WHITE LIGHTS TO FIGHT THE EVIL BLACK LIGHTS GUYS!"

The paper thus concluded that HIV infection is not a cause of mental health problems--but that stigmatization from society was likely the cause--even in the Netherlands, where alternative lifestyles are more widely accepted than in most other countries. That interpretation of the data is quite unconvincing.

Occam's Razor, you crazy fucks! Why would you make the leap to Gay = Crazy when a much more logical explanation has already presented itself? Stop twisting the facts of legitimate science to suit your homophobia. You're giving science a bad name. You've giving pseudoscience a bad name.

Frak it, I'm voting for him. Better than another four years of Baltar.

"Wonder Woman here. When I'm saving the world, I don't have time to worry about frizzy, unmanageable hair. That's why I use L'Oreal, so I have the silky sheen I deserve. It keeps my hair glossy and smooth no matter how many high-altitude winds or explosive shockwaves I run into. And Heatwave can send all the flame-rays he likes; my hair won't lose its bounce. L'Oreal: Because I'm worth it."

PS: To whoever sent me the balloons, thank you and you have a nice day too!!

... to the utter douche-baggery of Mark Twain?!?

http://users.telerama.com/~joseph/mantble.html

I keep trying to convince myself that this is some sort of obscure satire; so far it's not working, I don't get the joke.

MIKE: So is this going to be as Aliens was to Alien?
CROW: Except with less Vietnam references.

Chapter 1: ‘Captured’

It was in a dark warehouse. A man with a slashed face was approaching a man in chains.

MIKE: (man with slashed face) Hi Bob!
TOM: (man in chains) Hi Larry!

‘Hello...Frank’ said the scarred man, running his thumb down the blade of a curved knife.

ALL: Hello... Newman.

‘What Jigsaw?’ said Frank, Gravely

CROW: Ooh, it's really scary! It shows you putting together a jigsaw and the last piece is a monster at your window!
TOM: Great, now I'm going to have nightmares.

'You’re going to tell me where you train... Punishers’ said Jigsaw, disgustedly

MIKE: If you're so disgusted by it, Jigsaw, don't bring it up!

'No chance' muttered Frank

'he he, you are' laughed Jigsaw, Psychotically

TOM: Well, it’s kinda funny. I guess you had to be there.

and he approached Frank Castle, the curved knife shining.

CROW: Careful, Frank, he's got a lightsaber!
MIKE: Wait, was that it?
CROW: I think it was!
TOM: Freedom! Sweet, lovely freedom!

(The Bots begin singing an Irish drinking song as Mike carries Tom out of the theater, Crow following close behind.)

INT. SOL

The Bots are doing assorted party stuff in the background. Tom has a birthday hat attached to his dome and Crow is flailing under a disco ball. Mike toasts the camera.

MIKE: Zey, Dr. F, why so short?

BOTS: That’s what SHE said!

INT. DEEP 13

Dr. F and TV’s Frank are checking the projector, which appears to be unraveling.

Dr. F: Don’t think you’re getting off so easy, Larry, Moe, and the other one! That was just the prologue! As soon as our technical difficulties are resolved…

FRANK: Clayton, it’s choking me!

Dr. F: Choke it right back!

INT. SOL

Mike and the Bots are limboing under Gypsy’s body.

ALL: Limbo limbo limbo! Limbo limbo limbo!

MIKE: Where do unbaptized babies go when they die?

BOTS: LIMBO!

INT. DEEP 13

The projector is shooting out reels like ticker tape. Dr. F and Frank hit it with their shoes.

Dr. F: Out! Out unclean spirit!

INT. SOL

Mike and the Bots appear to be deeply drunk.

MIKE: I just wanted to say I love you guys.

TOM: We love you too!

CROW: I love everybody… but I hate myself.

INT. DEEP 13

The projector starts rolling again.

Dr. F: There we are, boobies. We now resume your regularly scheduled torture.

INT. SOL

Mike and the Bots, now completely sober, run around in sheer panic.

ALL: AHHHHHH! WE’VE GOT BADFIC SIGN!

(5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

INT. THEATER

(Mike and the Bots enter.)

MIKE: I refuse to apologize for hoping.
BOTS: Yeah! Right on!

Chapter 2
"At This Time!"

CROW: So would this be a Mirror-Universe version of Van Halen’s “Right Now”?
MIKE: I know someone I’d like to put in the agony booth…

It was a rainy morning, 6:00am, 3 men were in the same room,

ALL: (intrigued) Sayyyyyyy…

sleeping in seperate beds.

ALL: (disappointed) Awwwww…

There was camouflage Wallpaper,

CROW: Because in the jungle, the last thing you want the enemy to spot is a wall sneaking up on them.

nets on the ceiling, Guns, Ammo boxes and more stuff.

TOM: Mike, do you think the author should stop with all this technical jargon?
MIKE: Oh, definitely. This isn’t Tom Clancy!

The 3 men in this room were Punishers.

In order to become a Punisher, you must catch the eye of one, and if they think you're good enough, will get you into the school, where you are given 3 year training.

CROW: It’s just that easy!
MIKE: Do they also offer a correspondence course?

As the digital clock flashed 6:01, the phone rang, there were groans and muttering as they struggled to get up. Phil picked up his gun and shot a bullet at the phone, he missed and hit the clock.

CROW: Ah, the obligatory physical comedy. A key part of any good Punisher story.
MIKE: I guess those three years of training didn’t cover gun safety.
TOM: Or marksmanship.

He managed to stumble out of bed and aswered the phone.

"Phil Speaking" he muttered into the phone

CROW: Wait, isn’t the author’s name Phil?
TOM: He’s just living the American Dream. Who wouldn’t want to see your family brutally murdered and then become a sadistic, borderline psychotic vigilante?
MIKE: Was that sarcasm?
TOM: I don’t know.

"It's Stryker" replied a gritty, gruff voice.

" AT THIS TIME!" yelled Phil

MIKE: “Can’t the forces of darkness wait until after I’ve had my espresso?”

"Who is it" muttered Riley, as he stumbled around

"It's Stryker" answered Phil

CROW: Ted Stryker? From Airplane? Surely this fic isn’t about to become interesting!
TOM: It isn’t. And don’t call me Shirley.

"Oh" said Riley, as he still stumbled around

MIKE: This raises so many unanswered questions! Will he keep stumbling around? Will he fall over? Where is he stumbling to?

"Yeh, I've got a job" said Stryker

"WHAT!" yelled Phil, Eddie had just gotten up

TOM: Of course Eddie got up, Phil’s been yelling in his ear every five seconds.

" A Crackhouse, 6 people have died of drug poisoning, should be easy" Stryker replied

MIKE: Yeah, killing a bunch of drug dealers, how hard can that be?
CROW: I think the bigger issue is who’s poisoning those drugs… unless they mean overdosing.
MIKE: Considering all the crack the author must’ve been on to write this, I doubt he knows ODs exist.

" Fine, we're on it, Tavi can sit this one out" said Phil, and he put down the phone.

" A job?" asked Eddie

"Yep" answered Phil "let's get ready"

"I'll turn on the light" said Riley

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Phil and Eddie

TOM: And Darth Vader.

He truned on the light, Phil and Eddie fell to the ground, clutching their eyes and screaming.

MIKE: So, they’re vampires?
CROW: No, it’s just the crack discipline Frank instilled in them.
TOM: I don’t think Batman has anything to be worried about in the crime-fighting sweepstakes.
CROW: I don’t think Darkwing Duck has either!

(They start to pile out of the theater)

MIKE: Well, at least it was short. That’s one good thing.
TOM: But it wasn’t short ENOUGH.
MIKE: True. I guess this fic had no redeeming qualities.
CROW: You get used to it after a while.
MIKE: At least it wasn’t actively offensive.
TOM: Some days, that’s the best you can hope for.

INT. SOL

Mike is putting up wallpaper with starscape patterns. The Bots walk in.

CROW: ARGH! HULL BREACH! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

TOM: TO THE ESCAPE PODS! WOMEN AND BOTS WITH HOVER-SKIRTS FIRST!

MIKE: Relax, guys. It’s just camouflage wallpaper.

TOM: It… it is?

MIKE: Now the naked eye can’t detect our walls.

We hear a crash from off-screen.

GYPSY: (O.S.) WHO PUT A WALL HERE?

MIKE: Sorry Gyp, my bad!

GYPSY: (O.S.) Oof! I’m trapped!

MIKE: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

CROW: Speaking of good ideas, me and the Tomster have been busy.

TOM: Only the ladies get to call me the Tomster, T. Robot.

CROW: Sorry Servo. Mike, what is it audiences love about the Punisher?

MIKE: I don’t know… revenge fantasies enacted within a safe environment?

TOM: No, no, no! The wacky sidekicks!

CROW: The shenanigans!

TOM: The hijinx!

CROW: The ensuing!

TOM: With that in mind, we’ve created a few pitches to send to the networks. Tell us what you think, Mike.

CROW: They’re under the desk.

Mike picks up a pile of papers and sets it down on the Command Desk.

MIKE: Wow, you guys’ve been busy.

TOM: We were thinking of working on that AIDS vaccine, but I think you’ll agree that this is more important.

MIKE: Let me see… “After his wife and children are killed, Vietnam vet Frank Castle dedicates himself to a life of vengeance and a one-man war against crime.” Okay, I’m with you so far.

CROW: Actually, that didn’t test too well. We might have to reshoot.

MIKE: “But when Frank moves into an apartment building, things will never be the same! With wacky neighbor Mr. Bumpo, single mom Joan, and her rebellious teenage son Spacker Dave, Frank’s about to learn that punishing the guilty isn’t as easy as he thought!” Wait, you turned the Punisher into a sitcom?

TOM: It’s still more faithful to the comics than that Catwoman movie.

MIKE: Movies that aren’t even based on comic books are more faithful to the comic books than Catwoman.

TOM: True. Read the next one.

MIKE: “Who wants to be a Punisher”? “Contestants must incorporate the Punisher skull motif…”

CROW: Patent pending.

MIKE: “…into an ensemble, than are graded in categories such as Brooding Monologue, Interrogation, Dry Quip, Dark Humor…” Guys, you’ve taken the original comic book and watered it down into everything that’s wrong with primetime television!

INT. DEEP 13

Dr. F: Congratulations, Data and Lore, you’ve come over to the Dark Side. We have cookies and a free T-shirt.

INT. SOL

The bots are now wearing T-shirts which read “Kiss me, I’m evil.”

MIKE: No! This is wrong!

CROW: So, you don’t like it?

MIKE: No, I hate it!

TOM: Good one Mike!

CROW: Yeah, thanks a lot?

MIKE: What?

CROW: Due to negative audience feedback, FOX is canceling our show.

MIKE: But it hasn’t even aired yet.

CROW: FOX!

MIKE: You haven’t even filmed it yet!

TOM: I’d better go let the production crew know that it’s not going to work.

CROW: I’ll tell the contestants. Mike, would you handle the actresses?

The Bots disappear.

MIKE: I, but I… (sighs) What do you think, sirs?

INT. DEEP 13

Frank is sleeping in the background, wearing Punisher PJs.

Dr. F: Well, it appears as if the author hasn’t updated in several years, so you’re getting off easy. Next time, Smelson, you’re going to get ficced and ficced hard! Push the button, Frank!

Frank draws a gun and begins firing blindly at the Button. Dr. F screams and runs away just as the button is hit. Blip-out.

>> Phil picked up his gun and shot a bullet at the phone, he missed and hit the clock.